I’m Rattling!

Have you been into a health food store recently? I was in one this morning and I was the fattest guy in the store. That’s what I like about travelling to places like Chicago. I’m thin over there.

The store by my house is run by these thin shaky people. Not quite hippies and not quite meth-heads. I think they live on Red Bulls and Dexatrim.

I was asking about some vitamins and this one little nymph with tattoos from her knuckles up to her shoulder (and probably other places I couldn’t see even though I tried to sneek a cheap peek) recommended a particular brand. “Is it good?” I asked. “Absolutely!” she said with an odd tick, “I use it every day!” I thanked her and put it back on the shelf. I’ve got enough problems without developing an amphetamine twitch or something.

Anyway, I was there because I’ve been reading a lot of health books lately. Almost all suggested one form of diet supplementation of one sort or another. One recommended something for my liver, one said to increase my pH level, one said to take probiotics with every meal. It’s all very confusing and very expensive.

To hell with universal health care, I want universal supplement care! My visit to the health food store cost me over one hundred-fifty dollars!

Ack!

Taking all these books advice I came up with the following list:

• Health Alliance CoQ10
• HealthForce Nutritionals Liver Rescue III+
• Jarrow Formulas FamilE
• Jarrow Formulas L-Carnitine
• Jarrow Formulas N-Acetyl Tyrosine
• Kyolic Aged Garlic
• Low Strength Aspirin
• MRM DHEA
• MuscleTech Anabolic Vitakic
• Solaray Calcium, Magnesium, Zinc
• Solaray Ester-C

The CoQ10 is for my heart, the Liver Rescue is mouth-to-mouth for my liver which has been drowning in beer, the Jarrow products are for weight loss, the garlic is to fend off werewolves, the aspirin (along with my prescription Metoprolol and Lisinopril) are for my high blood pressure, the DHEA is for the ladies (helps male hormone levels), the Vitakic multivitamins are to turn my pee a really cool fluorescent yellow, and the Solary products are just there because I had an extra $20 in my pocket and that nymph was a good salesperson.

All in all it comes up to 26 pills per day.

Ugh!

So, I might rattle a bit‚ but at least I’ll never go hungry! I’m full of pills!