Food Porn

I’ve been eating a lot of strange foods lately. You know them best as Brussels sprouts, asparagus and broccoli. Blech!

Honestly, I don’t know how people can be vegetarian. Vegetables just don’t satisfy me. I’m a man. I need meat to feel full.

The way I figure it, vegetables are for animals to eat so they can get fat and then the animals are for me to eat so that I can get fat. That’s the way of the world.

And besides, if God didn’t want man to eat animals he wouldn’t have made them so damned tasty.

It’s funny, vegetarians will go to all sorts of extremes to go against nature. Tofu burgers, tofu dogs, tofu chicken fingers… I’m not tofu kidding.

A few years ago, in a former life, I attended a Seventh-Day Adventist church. Their claim to fame is that they worship on Saturdays… oh yeah, and the Branch Davidians were an offshoot. Oops!

One of the the denomination’s founders, Ellen White (who some in the denomination claim to be a prophet) believed that mankind should only eat the food God provided to us in Eden (that being unfermented fruits, nuts and vegetables). She had this revelation, of course, despite the fact that Jesus ate lamb and fish… and his first miracle was turning water into wine.

Ahem.

Anyway, after Sabbath service they would always have a pot luck. I think they thought it was a great marketing gimmick because they’d always invite visitors to stay for pot luck afterward.

I’m sure the Average Joe off the street expected hamburgers, hot dogs and meatballs. Imagine their surprise when they were first assaulted by the overwhelming stench of soybeans and tofu when they entered the dining hall. And then imagine their twisted faces and bellies when they were presented with generous a plate of soybean Buffalo wings, tofu chicken breasts (with “genuine” grill marks) and a heap of soybean pudding.

Truly Kodak Moments.

Anyway, I’d go to the pot luck to be cordial but would always stop by McDonald’s on the way home. And sometimes it was so bad that I’d need a Burger King chaser.

To me, fake food is like food porn. It’s not quite the same as touching the real thing but you can fantasize.

I remember the last meal I had there. It was an Hawaiian Luau theme because some missionaries from India were in town. (Yeah, I didn’t get the connection either.)

Everyone was excited. Don Ho music was playing in the background, girls were passing out leis and out of the kitchen came a procession of food. The young girls leading the line had sparklers and all the women were beaming! What a show!

There’s the bowl of green Jello and marshmallows. Then the red bowl. Then the orange bowl…

Then the star of the night was brought out. Everyone clapped and cheered. It was the roasted pig!

The roasted — tofu — pig.

Complete with an apple in it’s mouth.

It was at that very moment that I had an epiphany. God made animals and man made tofu. And isn’t challenging God’s plan the thing that got us all into trouble in the first place?

So, I went home and had a double pepperoni pizza and a box of wine. After all, who am I to question the ways of the Master?