Finders Kippers

Okay, I’m old and I’m fat. I thought I had eaten and drank just about everything available to me in America… but this morning I had kippers for the first time.

“Could we have kippers for breakfast, mummy dear, mummy dear?” — Supertramp

I’ve avoided them my whole life because I think I had them confused with capers. Blech!

I found a can of them in my pantry. I don’t know who bought them or when or why. But I read the package and it sounded like sardines. Maybe big ones (because the can is long and skinny). Maybe they’re like sardines on steroids?, I thought. Hmmm… I was intrigued.

I know my land animals. I can name all nine cuts of the cow (chuck, rib, short loin, sirloin, brisket, short plate, flank and shank) and twelve of the pigs (jowl, blade steak, blade ribs, top loin, sirloin, center cut, ham, pig’s feet, belly, spareribs, picnic roast and hock). But Lord only knows what sort of creatures lurk in the sea.

I was dating this girl who thought she’d impress me by making me diner. “I’ll make you seafood salad.” Being a redneck I figured that would be catfish and shrimp. Instead it was chunks of fish and these little spiders with suction cups. They turned out to be  baby octopus but I ruined the meal by jumping from my chair, flipping over the salad bowl and stomping on the damn things while clutching my chest and screaming “Spiders! Spiders!” and pointing at them like a snake had just crawled into the room.

Sigh… Didn’t get any that night.

Anyway, I actually like sardines but I am surprised to admit that I actually like kippers better! The flavor isn’t as strong as sardines and they seem to have more meat and a lot less bones and — blech! — innards.

So if you are on the South Beach Diet or Atkins and tired (like I was) of a week of skinless chicken, lean tasteless and tough beef, and eggs, give these little fishies a go.

But don’t do it at work or you will be banned from the lunch room.